Guys, get out of your heads!
Posted on 15. Jan, 2010 by Jeffrey Platts in Archives, Dating, Self Empowerment
Have you ever had a woman say “You’re not even listening to me!!!” If you say no, then you’re probably lying. Unless the Dalai Lama is reading this blog. I know I’ve had (and still have) my fair share of moments with women where I was “checked out” and she definitely felt the impact of that. As did I.
When we’re in our heads – trying to figure out the “right” or “cool” thing to say — we’re actually taking ourselves OUT of the moment and we lose the connection with the woman. She wants to feel that you are not just “physically” there but also there with your attention and your energy. If she can’t feel you energetically, then she won’t be able to connect with you.
A female friend of mine a few months ago was going through a rough time with some guy she was dating. When I met with her, I decided that I was not going to go into my typical “fix-it” mode and think of solutions for her. I was just going to be present and listen to her as she told me what was going on for her. It was a definite challenge as I saw my mind wanting to tell her what she should do. Ironically, when we were saying goodbye, she said that I was a huge help for her and she felt so much better after talking with me. But in my own mind I thought that I really didn’t “do” anything. But it was a BIG shift in my awareness of what really makes a woman feel seen and heard.
Here are three simple practices you can do to help you get out of your head and into your body.
1. Breathe. The breath is our natural reset button. It’s always with us. Nothing fancy here, just simply bring your attention to your breath. That alone gets you off of your conveyor belt of thoughts. And the deep breathing immediately starts to physically relax you.
2. Ground yourself. Visualize your energy going down into your entire body, like a tree rooting down into the Earth. Often the reason we’re in our head is that we don’t feel grounded physically. If the situation allows, do a few s-l-o-w push-ups, or hold plank pose or a yogic squat for 30 seconds to get you more physically engaged.
3. Be aware of the present moment. Notice what sensations, thoughts and feelings come up for you during the conversation — all without judging yourself or her. If you feel inspired, you might even bring it up with her. Vulnerability from a place of grounded energy is actually a turn-on for most women!
Of course. a mindfulness practice like yoga, martial arts, or tai chi incorporate all three of these ideas. Or next time you’re working out, leave the iPod at home do your run doing your best to focus on your breath.
So next time you’re interacting with a with a woman, worry less about saying the right thing and focus more on simply being present to the connection that is already there.
P.S. If you haven’t guessed this by now, these tips actually apply to ANY interaction, man or woman.
7 Responses to “Guys, get out of your heads!”
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January 15, 2010
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January 19, 2010
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Otto
18. Jan, 2010
Great topic, I had a similar experience a few weeks ago of with this female friend/acquaintance. I saw her sitting by herself and I was about to walk by but somehow I went over to say hi. She was upset and sad. Just by listening and really being there, her mood started to shift and started to get lighter. At the end she was happy and thanked me that I had cheered her up. But really what made a difference was that I was just present and listening.
In the Landmark program I’m participating in (which I told you about Jeffrey), I’ve learned helpful ways of communicating and listening. For example, when I’m listening to a friend, I can listen from a certain perspective, from my viewpoint, or I can really listen from a place of nothing. It really does make a difference because whatever is not communicated is still communicated (if you know what I mean). So, I just bring that up because I’ve heard tips in the past like be present or ground yourself… but sometimes they were too abstract to really impact my way of listening/communicating.
Marni
13. Feb, 2010
I was glad to see the P.S., Jeffrey. We women spend a lot of time in our heads too! Why do you think you have to do so much listening!?
Ben Weston
24. Feb, 2010
I like how you pointed out our natural tendency as guys to go into “fix it” mode. I’ve found with women, and frankly with most people, as long as you’re giving your whole attention in a genuine and caring way, that in itself does wonders.
Great post Jeffrey!
Jason Savage
15. Apr, 2010
Listening and speaking are both in your head. (Thinking is not noticing/awareness.)
Better to “change her mood, not her mind” with sensate awareness, physical movement/action.
I’m surprised there was no mention of the power of touch here.
Listening is understanding. Seeing is believing. Touching is knowing.
Jeffrey Platts
15. Apr, 2010
@Jason Savage: Thanks for your comments, bro. Yeah, touch is a very good thing.