Stop apologizing for who you are.
Posted on 04. Mar, 2010 by Jeffrey Platts in Archives, Dating, Self Empowerment
Do you have traits that you feel bad about? Are you bald? Have a Megan Fox thumb? Rocking out with a beer belly? Tell corny jokes? Can’t dance for crap? Small boobs? Big boobs?
I’ll tell you right now that for every so-called “fault” or “defect” you think you may have, there is someone out there who will love you precisely for that trait. I’ve learned that’s true for women and bald guys. 
Or even more likely, they won’t even think it’s 0.001 % of the big deal you think it is. Seriously. Check out the Barry Manilow T-Shirt Study:
“In one experiment, a student wearing a Barry Manilow T-shirt was sent into a room filled with peers. Though the student was convinced that the “embarrassing” clothing would be noticed by at least half the people, follow-up interviews found that less than 50% of the group recalled the shirt. In another semester-long experiment, dubbed the “Bad Hair Day Study,” students rated their classmates on whether they looked better or worse than usual. The results show that the raters were less aware of variations in appearance than were the students they scored. Most people just don’t notice when we’re not looking our best or worst.
Why not? Simple egocentrism, declares Savitsky. Since we’re focused on ourselves, we assume that others pay close attention to us, too, but everyone else is concerned with their own problems.”
I used to go on dates and before I even met the woman, I would feel as if I had to apologize for me not owning a car or living in a small studio apartment. I wouldn’t verbalize it, obviously, but it would come across in my energy, and as we all know, we are vibrational beings and it’s pretty much impossible to hide your vibe. But only in the past few years have I begun to let go of that apologetic vibe and honor who I am.
The most attractive element of anyone is them being fully comfortable in their own skin. They know who they are and they accept who they are. Even if you have some personality traits that you’re trying to improve, even that is attractive. You’re doing your best to grow as a human being as best you know how.
So what can you do to fully embrace who you are and release any apologetic energy?
- Make a list of all the physical qualities, personality traits and life experiences that you think you need compensate for and see how they have actually been an ASSET in your life. Write how they can be seen as a something good and what gifts they may have brought you, no matter how small or mundane.
- Before you go on a date, job interview or anytime you want, find a ritual that puts you in state of total appreciation of yourself and who you are. Whether it’s a rampage of appreciation in your journal, celebrating your body by exercising or listening to a playlist of positive, rock-out songs — doesn’t matter as long as it helps you raise your vibe.
- Really understand that every single person on this planet has their fair share of insecurities and things that they wish they could change about themselves. So practice compassion and humility for the shared experience that we all have.
Remember, your true friends and soulmates are going to love you because of who you are, not in spite of it.
19 Responses to “Stop apologizing for who you are.”
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Simone Grant
04. Mar, 2010
Love this. Nothing is sexier than confidence and nothing is less sexier than being overly self-conscious and insecure.
And I’m totally going to remember the Barry Manilow t-shirt study. Fantastic.
KB IN NYC
05. Mar, 2010
I second Simone! Great post and definitely spot on. I’m a great believer in fake it until you make it. In other words, be confident no matter what especially as, like you point out, often the things that we see as ‘short comings’ or ‘flaws’ are not perceived that way at all by others.
I’m glad to hear that people don’t notice bad hair days though; lord knows I have a lot of them! XKB
DateDaily
05. Mar, 2010
Great post. Sometimes we are so self-absorbed that we can’t see past the tips of our own noses. This article proves that not everyone is paying attention to the zit on your forehead, so relax.
Erin
05. Mar, 2010
Or do what I do, remember that 40% of people shit in the woods, and if you make of $2,000 a year you are in the richest half of the world population. Perspective, friends!
Ben Weston
08. Mar, 2010
I am fully with you on this. Being confident and comfortable with who you are is all that I have (and need) in my dating book. It’s an extremely attractive trait.
Like you pointed about, it’s about being in a state of appreciate and gratitude. Although it’s probably not something that can be resolved in one instance, it can be changed over time.
Zoë
17. Mar, 2010
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, Jeff. There’s something about finding someone who loves you for YOU that suddenly makes life all the more enjoyable. For instance, I am active but have dated guys who criticize me for not being active enough and other guys who admire me for my activity level. I’ve dated men who have worshipped my curves and others who have nitpicked them until I’ve felt self-conscious. Now I just ditch the nitpickers! I’m gorgeous, damnit, flaws and all! And with all of this positive energy, I’ve started attracting positive people who agree that yes, I’m pretty awesome. It’s not narcissism, it’s embracing your inner strength, and that’s always attractive.
Mike Masters
17. Mar, 2010
I have seen very few posts out there that I wished I had written. This is one of them, actually it is on my HUGE list of topics!
Good job on this one, I will have to skip it on my list.
Jeffrey Platts
17. Mar, 2010
@Zoe: YES! Own your beautiful, sexy, radiant, smart self! If they can’t see it IN you, they don’t deserve to be WITH you. I think might just tweet that! Haha.
@Mike: Thanks so much, bro! Coming from a great blogger like yourself, that means a lot!
Joanne
20. Mar, 2010
Hi Jeff, this is a GREAT POST! Thank you so much.
I can offer a testimonial about the bald thing– I never thought the bald look worked too well on white guys… i.e., didn’t find it attractive… until I met an awesome guy who happens to be bald, and not apologetic about it!
Suddenly I think his bald head and glasses is “an iconic look” and very attractive. In fact now when I see a bald guy anywhere I think, there’s a cool looking guy! It’s just one more way people can be interesting.
I think the physical traits are not as important as the inner qualities– if we connect spiritually with someone, won’t they appear beautiful to us anyway? Besides, the world would be totally boring if we all tried to look the same. Diversity and authenticity are much sexier!
Jeffrey Platts
20. Mar, 2010
@Joanne: Haha. Thanks for being part of the bald guys fan club.
I can’t count how many women one might not consider traditionally “beautiful” but after after a conversation or an extended gaze, they suddenly appear incredibly sexy and radiant.
Jeffrey Platts´s last blog ..You already know how to be a great lover.
Brenda
25. Mar, 2010
So needed to read this article. When I was in college (and didn’t care about what anyone thought), I would turn the radio to the Friday or Saturday night “mix” while I got ready for a date or party. I arrived ready for a good time. Geez, in fact, the girls and I would go out shopping at a cheap store (the 90′s version of Forever 21, lol) and have a blast (which also included stopping at the Cinnabun place). Okay, I am so changing my mood as of today.
Jeffrey Platts
25. Mar, 2010
@Brenda: I’m glad the post was a good reminder for you! Yeah, you gotta do what makes you feel good and come more alive. The early 90s are 5 of my favorite years. The late 80s being my other favorite 5.
StuntThug
31. Mar, 2010
I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing
Jeffrey Platts
01. Apr, 2010
@StuntThug: Thanks for your comment. Glad you enjoyed the post.
Jeffrey Platts´s last blog ..Guys, open your heart AND your mouth
gail
14. Apr, 2010
excellent advice here… for dating and life. Perfection is boring… flaws are interesting…. and hot.
kbone
15. Apr, 2010
I read a article under the same title some time ago, but this articles quality is much, much better. How you do this?
Jeffrey Platts
15. Apr, 2010
@Gail: Thanks for your comments. Yeah, authenticity, “flaws” and all, is attractive.
@Kbone: Glad you dug the post. I’m not familiar with the article you’re referring to, but I’m glad there is a multitude of viewpoints on the subject!
vewlms
21. Apr, 2010
Hey Jeffrey, I am new to following you on twitter, and to reading your bloggs, and I am enjoying everything I read from you are about you, but this one really touched me, It was heart felt like you really meant what you were saying, and made me wish every man had this understanding, thanks Jeffrey and by the way, I think you’re BEAUTIFUL!!!!
Mark Petruzzi
11. Aug, 2010
Well done Jeffrey!
You know I am a huge proponent of realizing self-value and putting more of *WHO* we are in everything we do.
You make a good case for shutting off some of the noise that distracts us from getting to better know who we are and then getting down to putting more of that in our lives.
Looking forward to your next one.