Guys, open your heart AND your mouth
Posted on 30. Mar, 2010 by Jeffrey Platts in Archives, Dating, Self Empowerment
Guys, let go of the b.s. notion that you need to act tough and stoic all the time around your woman. Yes, overall, it’s good to be a strong, grounded man of purpose. But also factor into the mix that you need to be authentic and present in each moment.
You had a bad day at work and your boss calls you a “worthless piece of yak crap”? Two things: 1) find yourself a new job asap. 2) feel free to share that with your woman when you come home. Because either way, SHE WILL KNOW. In general, women are dynamos at picking up on people’s emotions and energy. For you to fake that everything is alright, that your day was “just fine” is shooting yourself in the foot. She will only sense that something’s not right, you’re not being genuine with her, and she’ll just get pissed off at you for not being real with her. She won’t feel safe with you and she won’t trust you. Not to mention she’ll just use her imagination to fill in the blanks. And you know how awesome a woman’s imagination can be. So now you’ll have a asshole boss and an annoyed woman. And it’s only 6:30 p.m. Fun times.
So what to do instead? How about just keepin’ it real? Stop hiding what’s going on for you. Bummed about your best friend moving to another city? Did your wife just say something that triggered you? Speak up! Women are intuitive creatures, but they’re NOT mind-readers. But the trick is to do this while keeping composure, not shrinking into an apologetic little boy nor puffing yourself up like a macho, aloof jerk. Just be present with what’s true for you in the moment and own it. It may be ugly, it may not be what you want to face. But do you want to live in Pleasantville, or do want an actual relationship between two people who have an authentic, solid, supportive, continually-expanding connection? How you choose to show up for your partner is going to demonstrate your choice.
“Behind every communication problem is a sweaty ten-minute conversation you don’t want to have. However, the moment you work up the courage to have it, you collect an instant reward in relief as well as open up a flow of communication that will allow you to resolve the situation.” – Gay Hendricks
The Flip Side: And at the same time, don’t be afraid to express appreciation for your woman. It’s not only about sharing the bumps in the road. For most women, vulnerability + strength = HOT. If you can connect with your heart before you share your appreciation, you will hit a grand slam. You get turned on every time she wears a ponytail to workout? Share it. You love the way her voice sounds when she reads to your kid before bedtime? Share it. You love the way she smiles at you when she’s doing a strip tease for you? SHARE IT. 
I can’t even count all the moments where my heart was genuinely busted WIDE open by the woman I was with and I was too freakin’ scared to share it. It’s as if I had a beautiful gift in my hand, walked up to her door, and just before she opened it, throwing it in the bushes. WTF is the point of that? I’m denying her the appreciation and I’m denying myself the love that I feel for her. Not to mention the regret I’ll feel afterwards.
Of course it’s hard to be appreciative of something if you’re not present to it. So here are 3 tips to get connected to what’s true for you:
- Meditate. Before you get all woo-woo’d out, hear me out. For me, meditation, at its simplest, is simply sitting still and being quiet. Shut the door, silence your phone, turn off the TV/stereo/computer screen. Just sit still with your eyes closed and take full, deep breaths into your belly. That’s it. Try it for just 5 minutes a day. Maybe even as a transition when you come home from work and continue your evening. You will start to create space between you and your thoughts, giving you more clarity and awareness on what the hell you’re actually feeling vs. what you “think” you feel.
- Pause for a moment before you speak. So many times, we’re letting our monkey mind run our mouth. And our monkey mind chatter is oftentimes just reacting to what’s around us or from our own programming, rather than responding from our higher self. When you’re connecting with someone, especially your woman, pause for a moment and see what’s true for you.
- Practice expressing appreciation throughout the day. Flex your appreciation muscle. Don’t hold it back for just your partner or kids or your parents. Practice sharing it to even complete strangers. The barista who gave you a bigger latte free of charge. The woman who has a great smile. But two things: it must be genuine and don’t attach to the outcome. They may be blown away by your generosity. Or they may not say anything at all. They may think you’re trying to scam them or, if they’re a woman, that you’re trying to pick them up. As long as you’re genuine and clean in your communication, how they receive it is their issue, not yours. Just keep on sharing.
P.S. The open heart, open mouth principle applies to women, too. I just believe that guys can use an extra reminder.
19 Responses to “Guys, open your heart AND your mouth”
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lifebeginsat30ty
30. Mar, 2010
Wow, can you like quadruple underline this post and send it to every men’s magazine in the country?! I can’t tell you how many time my ex-husband and I would come home from work and I’d ask, “Have a good day?” What would the answer be? “Yep.” I didn’t decide to be with someone because I DIDN”T want to hear about your life. Even if it’s just a stupid story about your office-mate tapping his pencil one too many time. Girls want to hear it! And if you’re tired and don’t feel like talking, just say “I’m really pooped. Let me chill out for a bit and then we’ll chat over dinner.” Done. Okay, off my soapbox
lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..After-hours, or Fucktard Date 2, part III
Erin
30. Mar, 2010
Great entry! I feel like a lot of people (well, frankly, men, but I’m trying to be PC), actually don’t KNOW how they’re feeling, which makes it impossible to share it. I think mediation is a great way for people to sift through all the junk and figure out what emotions are really there and why. I’m lucky that my over-emotive mother taught me well:), but its a surprisingly over-looked skill that actually does need to be cultivated.
MKP
30. Mar, 2010
Jeffrey, I like the spirit of this. Sometimes we forget that the blade of chauvinism cuts both ways, carving out an artificial way of acceptable action for both masculine and feminine social role expressions.
True intimacy (and the excitement & depth that it offers the those brave enough to risk it) asks that we leave behind the comfortable, and the fear that holds us back from enjoying more.
Whatever the role or gender, we can all take steps toward more mutually exciting relationships when we choose what feels appropriate in the moment, instead of what consensus reality dictates for us.
MKP´s last blog ..Passion vs. Addiction (Mini-Blog)
Whitney
30. Mar, 2010
Wonderfully necessary post, Jeffrey. You don’t need a female contributor. You represent our sex beautifully. That second paragraph was said like a true, open woman. Well done.
deepali
31. Mar, 2010
hey followed over from…. somewhere on facebook. this is such a sweet post. especially love: “It’s as if I had a beautiful gift in my hand, walked up to her door, and just before she opened it, throwing it in the bushes. WTF is the point of that? “
Jeffrey Platts
31. Mar, 2010
@lifebeginsat30ty: Thanks for your comments! Yeah, my post was inspired by what I’ve experienced personally and what we see culturally. We can definitely experience a deeper level of connection.
@MKP: Thanks.
Yeah, open heart (love) and open mouth (communication) are universal. For me, I felt that men can use an extra reminder/nudge. 
@Whitney: Haha. Glad I could represent! Thanks for the kudos!
@Deepali: Thank you so much, Deepali. Yeah, a “WTF” generally makes any sentence more awesome.
Jeffrey Platts´s last blog ..Guys, open your heart AND your mouth
Ben Weston
31. Mar, 2010
Hey Jeffrey,
Those were all wonderful points. As much as I want to keep things inside and pretend I can act well, it’s frightening how well my girlfriend can tell when something is wrong. It’s as if she has a sensor that goes off immediately. Even if it isn’t relating to her, she picks up on it and senses me not being genuine.
I also like the suggestions you made. Meditation really helps with the thinking before speaking thing. It also helps in realizing what the hell we’re actually feeling and thinking inside.
The appreciate one not only makes the other person feel good, but knowing that you brightened someone’s day makes you feel good!
I really liked this post. Keep it up!
The Urban Dater
31. Mar, 2010
JPlatts, man. Straight up wisdom.
The start of the year was rough for me. Two car accidents, health stuff wtih my eye, wisdom teeth pulled. I mean. Dude. I was having a hard time. But I wanted to puff my chest and go about business, even at my girl’s urging to let her be there for me. It wasn’t until I had my wisdom teeth kicked out that I realized how selfish I was being. Yeah. Selfish. We want to feel needed and I was denying her of that and that kinda made me a tosser, if you will.
Spot on article.
GP
31. Mar, 2010
looks like some read Coleman’s “Emotional Intelligence”
Jeffrey Platts
01. Apr, 2010
@BenWeston: Thanks, Ben. I agree, just being upfront and authentic to what is, is so much simpler. And you won’t have to waste any energy worrying about her “figuring out” what you’re hiding in the first place.
@UrbanDater: Damn, man, sorry to hear about your rough start. Glad you finally allowed your girl to be there for you, though! Thanks for the comments!
Jeffrey Platts´s last blog ..Guys, open your heart AND your mouth
Jeffrey Platts
01. Apr, 2010
@GP: I’ve never actually read Daniel Goleman’s book, but I have skimmed through it at the bookstore, so I’m familiar with some of the ideas. I have read lots of other similarly-themed books, though, so there’s probably influence there, for sure.
Miss Alpha
01. Apr, 2010
I am one woman who needs this reminder.
I have to fight everyday to share my concerns WITH the person I’m dating and not everyone else. Probably a mixture of fear and bad habits leftover from spending years with someone that was like talking to a pair of shoes.
Thanks for the reminder JP.
jessi
01. Apr, 2010
Very well written.. bravo…
JM
02. Apr, 2010
Hey this is my first time at your blog and I’m really impressed. Great writing all the way throughout. Keep it up.
I really liked this post. Are you always consistent with this with the girls you are with? I try but know one’s perfect. The best kinds of girls are the ones that understand that know one is perfect but all you can do is try.
I like you how talked about being real, because truly that is all someone is looking for – someone real who that can share their life with.
Kind Regards, Nice Post, Nice Blog, and I look forward to future posts,
JM
JM´s last blog ..Getting The Most Out Of Time Spent Together
Kelly
08. Apr, 2010
This is a good reminder for men AND women. I think David White said “what’s the courageous conversation you’re NOT having?”…anyway, we need to communicate the tough things. Otherwise they build up and we can’t get past them. Thanks for your post.
karen
13. Apr, 2010
You’re adorable…and wise! Reminds me of a great book I read many many years ago called “The Real Rules.” Point of the book was to encourage you to be your true self as early in the relationship as possible. If you scare someone away, that’s fine. Because whoever you’re supposed to be with will love you just the way you are.
Plus, it’s just too hard to keep up a facade for the length of a relationship. Who wants that pressure, or to have to work that hard to keep up the false premise? Just open up, be yourself, and let the chips fall where they may. There’s someone for everyone…
If you put out a false facade as to who *you* are, you’ll just attract someone who’s not really right for the *real* you.
singlegirlie
18. Apr, 2010
Hey Jeffrey,
Well I know I just wrote a post on being wary of listening to dating advice… but I REALLY liked this. I think this addresses one of the fundamental problems in relationships: communication. Everyone says it’s so important, but how much actual communication is happening?
I am guessing men don’t like to admit vulnerability or talk about problems because they fear it makes them appear weak. But vulnerability is HUMAN and it helps two humans connect. And yes, to me, it’s HOT. I sometimes like the wounded bird types. Wonderful post.
singlegirlie´s last blog ..Dating “Experts” or Just People with Opinions?
Jeffrey Platts
21. Apr, 2010
@MissAlpha: Glad the advice is helpful to the ladies, too.
@JM: Thanks, bro. Being authentic is such a rarity these days, that if you can be simply real and who you are, you’ll stand out in a good way.
@Kelly: Thanks! Love that quote.
@Karen: Haha. Thank you. I am totally with you on show your cards asap in the relationship. Forget any tiptoeing and tap dancing. I love this quote:
“If the REAL you isn’t sufficient or attractive enough to keep that person in the room, then let them leave. Because someone will come into the room of your life who will find the authentic you attractive enough. And when they come into the room in response to your authenticity, they will stay because you don’t have to keep your “act” going in order to keep them in the room. The tap dance can be over.” – Neale Donald Walsch
@singlegirlie: Yeah, I saw and liked that post.
I agree, talking does not automatically mean communicating. Thanks for your comment!
ultrasound technician
21. Apr, 2010
Keep posting stuff like this i really like it