You Already Know How To Be A Great Lover

You Already Know How To Be A Great Lover

Posted on by in Blog, Dating, Self Empowerment, Sex

47 ways to please your man with your elbow!
12 tips to give her earth-shaking orgasms with your baseball card collection!

There are countless books and Cosmo articles on how to learn the most cutting-edge techniques to please your partner sexually. They all have great information and most of the time the tips are very good. But I think prior to trying to blow your partner’s mind (and body) with some new technique or quick fix, you’ve got to make sure you have these two elements covered FIRST.

First, the connection with yourself. Feeling comfortable with your own body. Knowing that you are worthy of both giving and receiving love and sexual pleasure.  Getting into your body.

Second, the connection with your partner. Really being present with the person in front of you. Fully appreciating their body as it is, truly seeing their essence, their energy. 

“Your sex life is sacred and personal. When you find the confidence to live it as you choose, you come home to yourself.” – Alan Cohen

Trying one or 37 new sex techniques with both of those components down first will be like night and day. It’s similar to dancing salsa and not once looking the person in the eye or getting in sync with your partner. Are you dancing together as a couple or merely for your own pleasure? You might have a few cool moves here and there, but the overall dance won’t be as juicy and fun.

“But, JP, aren’t there things I can learn that can help me in bed?” YES. Read books, watch DVDs, take workshops. I’ve read and studied my fair share of books on sex techniques, masculine/feminine dynamics and tantric philosophies. They all have great information and wicked fun things to try. (The best homework on Earth!) And if you want some suggestions on where to start, check out my recommended reading section.

But as can be the danger with any personal growth or self-improvement book, I would often start to think “Wow, here are all these things that I’m currently NOT doing and need to do in order to be acceptable and attractive.” Now, when I start to have those thoughts, I put the book down or stop the iPod and give myself a reality check.  I was looking for some magic pill, stroke or lick to be the secret to great sexual connection.   But like many things, being a skillful lover is a lot about attitude and energy and less about the actual technique. And the more in tune you are with yourself and your partner, the more in the flow you’ll be. Not to mention you will both feel safe enough to explore new things and tell your partner what might not be working so well.  Yes, it’s true, that hot sex tip you just read on, might not work on your woman.  Play and learn from HER body, not some prototype.

My main point is to embrace and accept who you are first, then go seek out ways you can expand and improve. To start learning a new sex technique from place of LACK doesn’t serve you or your partner.  Start to trust yourself, your own inner mojo.

So here are 3 things to try on for size:

  1. Connect with your breath. Any yoga or tantric book will show how powerful the breath is for sexual connection. Start noticing how your experience shifts with the variations in your breathing. Maybe even sit together for one or two minutes and breathe together as part of your foreplay. Another great tip is to synchronizing your breath with your partner’s breath. Good times!
  2. Focus only on the things you really love about your body and your partner’s body. Trying to get turned on when you’re thinking about your beer belly or the fact that your bikini wax is 5 days old isn’t gonna help. If it’s something you truly want to (and can) change, then yes, go ahead and take some action. But if you’re about to bump ‘n grind, that is NOT the time to nitpick yourself or your partner. And trust me, 9 times out of 10 they don’t even care about that “flaw” you’re obsessing about.
  3. Make eye contact. There’s no quicker way to establish a meaningful connection than to look into someone’s eyes. Yes, it may feel awkward even if it’s your wife of 42 years. But after you get over any initial anxiety or vulnerability, you’ll be able to ride a really fun wave of soulful connection.

It sounds counterintuitive, but the best sex is an INSIDE —> OUT job, not an OUTSIDE —>IN job. :)

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  • lifebeginsat30ty

    What a wonderful post! And so very true. Any time you can be confidence with yourself and really be present with them, the more attune your bodies will be. The eyes really are the window to the soul.

    Found you from Mike’s page. Will be perusing! :)

  • Miss Alpha


    Good stuff, man. You’ve become a must-read in my book.

  • Dating Dufus

    Hi Jeffrey, I liked your comments on Mike’s blog and then found your site. Thank you for putting the personal/energetic/soul connection back into the story!

    I agree with you about the self-help advice, sometimes it can do more harm to the self-esteem than good. In particular I think people in the spiritual community (and it sounds like you are in it) have a tendency to expect– in themselves and others– a continual process of “growth” or “personal development.”

    After years of living in an ashrama community I finally realized this can go too far! This constant striving to become a “better you” than the one you are right now can cause you to miss the great you you are already.

    I’m excited to read more of your posts, going to do that now!

  • Jeffrey Platts

    @lifebeginsat30ty: Thank you so much. Hope you find my other posts helpful, too.

    @Miss Alpha: Eye contact is hot. And during the bump ‘n grind, even hotter.

    @Dating Dufus: Thank you so much for your appreciation!

  • kristin

    Great insight Jeffrey! I have tried the breathing technique with my partner and the sexual connection sure is stronger.

    The eye contact is something I am working on. He has no trouble looking straight into my eyes, but I tend to shy away. Like they say “the eyes are the windows to your soul” and maybe I’m trying to protect myself a bit.

  • http:/// Jeffrey Platts

    @Kristin: Thank you! Yeah, eye contact during sex can be vulnerable for both partners. That’s why it’s important to choose partners who you feel safe with and feel comfortable communication with. Have fun practicing! ;)

  • Pingback: Guys, open your heart AND your mouth | Jeffrey Platts()

  • Jason Savage

    Connecting with yourself — your wants and desires — and expressing them, may just make you a selfish lover. A taker.

    To be a giving lover — the essence of actually pleasing someone other than yourself — the advice may be more practical:

    Ask your partner what she likes. Give it to her. Ask her if she liked it. Give it to her again.

    And of course, reciprocity means sharing.

  • Jeffrey Platts

    @Jason: Also good reminders, bro. There are lots of great things that can be explored as ways to get more in tune with your partner. Too many people presume that they should already know what their partner wants and what makes them feel good. Like you say, one simple solution: ASK. :)

  • vewlms

    Ok Jeffery , I don’t understand about the breathing part? I don’t think you’re talking about what I’m thinking about because I had a really bad experience with breathing with this guy, so I know it could not be what you are talking about, but how do I find out just what you are talking about with the breathing part, will I find it in the books you suggested? Please help me out.