Can NOT Dating Improve Your Dating?
Posted on by Jeffrey Platts in Blog, Dating, Self Empowerment
Spring is here. Nine of your friends are getting married in June. You’ve had way too many first dates pick their nose and/or fart in the past two months. Your last five online dates have simply fizzled for no apparent reason. So it’s fair to say your current vibe about dating isn’t exactly positive.
Whatever the reason, rather than trudging through with more dates, you might consider a temporary, yet intentional, break from dating. I promise you, the world will not end and all the available singles won’t get snatched up by the time you decide to get back in the game. And as much as Hollywood would love to have you believe, you WILL NOT DIE without sex. (If anything, you might even recalibrate your brain chemistry.)
“But Jeffrey, I’m not currently getting any dates and nor am I getting any action, so why would I choose to keep that going?” A dating break isn’t about giving up or wanting to perpetuate your current reality. Rather, it’s a period of time where you deliberately take love/sex/dating off the table. It’s a chance to shift your focus for a bit and maybe even reconnect with the areas (spirituality, finances, friends, health, career, family, hobbies) that you’ve been neglecting in your continual pursuit of love and sex. It’s also a chance to take your mind off a subject that might be frustrating you and thereby let your overall vibe improve.
Deliberate intention is a powerful thing and is a very different energy than just reacting to your reality. Let’s say you chug 3 bottles of Diet Cokes every day. You then went on a camping trip for a weekend and you didn’t drink any Diet Coke during that entire time because you simply had no access to it. While that is a great thing to experience, it is much different than if you were to consciously choose to not drink because you have something else you value even more (boosting energy without cancer-causing chemicals or teeth that don’t look like rotting baked beans). With one, you’re letting your reality dictate your actions. With the other, YOU are dictating your actions, regardless of the reality around you.
I’ve had several times in my life where I was single and I felt this pressure to continually put myself out there, keep a profile online, starting flirting with all the cute women I met throughout the day. But that honestly got exhausting really quickly. I felt like I need to be “on” all the time because “you never know who you’re going to meet”. My heart really wasn’t into this constant search. Not to mention that I often let that be my main focus, to the detriment of other equally important areas of my life. But I soon realized that love is not a numbers game, and ultimately, I need to be in full alignment with myself for my life to be truly fulfilling, whether I am single or in a relationship. Also, by me getting involved with different women who I pretty much knew from the start wasn’t going to lead anywhere, that just kept me from being available to a woman who could be a really good match for me.
“Stop thinking that happiness can come from chasing after fleeting pleasures and running away from discomfort and difficulty. Such a life prevents us from discovering the aliveness, tenderness, and beauty that arise when we’re fully here now. If at any moment I stop and ask myself what I really care about, my life becomes aligned. It doesn’t matter what I’m in the midst of doing. If I reflect on what’s important, I’ll remember to pause, relax, and open my heart.” – Tara Brach
Here are three suggestions to help make the most of your dating sabbatical.
- Improve your vibrational story about love and dating. Maybe the reason your love life (and bed) hasn’t been rocking is because you’ve got some energy that needs to be cleaned up. Perhaps you’ve got some jealousy in your vibration that potential partners pick up on. Or you need to process through any lingering feelings for previous partners. Or you feel deep down that you’re not worthy of a relationship. A great exercise is to ask yourself: “The reason I don’t have _________ , is because _________.” Whatever comes after the “because” is likely a mental story (a.k.a. excuse, limitation) that is keeping you away from what you want. Remember, taking a dating break but keeping crappy stories in your head is NOT the intention here.
- Update your intentions for a partner. Maybe with all these dates you’ve been going on you’ve lost touch with what the hell you really want in a partner. Unless you just want a warm body to sleep next to or someone to remind you to trim your nose hairs, maybe this is a great opportunity to look at what you really want. What qualities are most important to you in terms of health, money, kids, career, sex, travel, spirituality? And of course, whatever qualities you decide you prefer in a partner, make sure YOU are expressing those qualities, too. If you want someone who is reliable and trustworthy, then be reliable and trustworthy yourself.
- Be flexible. A sabbatical is not about rejecting love or potential dating partners. It’s about CHOOSING to take a break from dating for your own positive reasons to move toward. Often times, during these breaks, when you’re not desperately looking for love anymore, your resistant state is gone, and you’re allowing other areas of your life to light up your energy, that’s when you’ll meet someone. So if you DO happen to meet someone really amazing during your break, for gosh sakes, hop on that train! This is also a practice in connecting to your heart and following your intuition!
21 Responses to “Can NOT Dating Improve Your Dating?”
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August 31, 2010
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October 27, 2011
[...] singles won’t get snatched up by the time you decide to get back in the game,” writes online dating coach Jeffrey Platts. “And as much as Hollywood would love to have you believe, you WILL NOT DIE without [...]
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Melissa Blake
13. Apr, 2010
Great post, Jeff!!!
.-= Melissa Blake´s last blog ..Tales From The Trenches: Tale #31 =-.
Kelly
13. Apr, 2010
Thanks for writing—most advice out there would never tell singles to stop dating, ha! But seriously, the one thing I would say is that it’s a balance. Some people decide to take a break and then it’s difficult to jump back in again, because they haven’t worked through their negative thoughts about it. I have friends who “took a break” for years. So I agree, as long as the sabbatical time is taken to really work through issues/ clear energy, and not to avoid dating as a whole.
Skye Blue
13. Apr, 2010
What a great post. I so needed a reminder to keep things in balance, check what’s going on inside my head re dating and sex and the value in taking a break.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Sabina
13. Apr, 2010
I really like this! I have been feeling pressure lately that since I am 30, and all my friends are in serious relationships or married and settled, that I am totally missing something. As a result, I have been feeling depressed and all sorts of cultural pressure . . Your article is food for thought. Thanks for this Jeffrey!
lifebeginsat30ty
13. Apr, 2010
I take breaks all the time! I think it can be exhausting to put yourself out there and meet stranger after stranger. Sometimes we just need to retreat and replenish our emotional energy. Great post!
.-= lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..The Unexpected, or the saga of Old Git continues =-.
Milan
13. Apr, 2010
I like to call it a Vacation from Dating. Everybody agrees that vacations are good and necessary.
Jeffrey Platts
14. Apr, 2010
@Melissa: Thank you!
@Kelly: Haha, yeah, I guess my suggestion is counterintuitive.
Yes, it is a balance. The break should be about reconnecting with yourself and the things/people you love, all with the intention of raising your energy. If you do that, getting back in the dating game should actually be much more fullfilling. Thanks for your comment
@Skye Blue: Glad it was a helpful reminder. Bringing awareness to all our actions, including dating, is a great thing.
@Sabina: Yeah, the comparison monster can be strong when all your friends are getting hitched and popping out babies. And the reality, is that we don’t know why everyone’s path is different, only that they are.
“Judge not, then, the karmic path walked by another. Envy not success, nor pity failure, for you know not what is success or failure in the soul’s reckoning.” — Neale Donald Walsche
Jeffrey Platts
14. Apr, 2010
@lifebeginsat30ty: Yup, breaks are good! Unless you’re inspired (or at least enthusiastically curious) to go on your dates, then you might need a recharge.
@Milan: Yeah, vacations are fun and necessary!
Miss Alpha
14. Apr, 2010
I call this a Guy-atus.
http://missalphawrites.blogspot.com/2009/11/alls-quiet-on-boytoy-front.html
alex
15. Apr, 2010
I go back and forth on this one, Jeff. I’m a firm believer in getting off one’s ass and getting out there to do what needs to be done. That is, I’ve been a firm believer in making the action happen and not waiting for the action to come to you.
However, the flip side to that is if one becomes too desperate and too hung up on making things happen that the process of meeting people becomes unnatural instead of an organic process. So there’s certainly a fine line.
Awesome article, as per usual, JPlatts
.-= alex´s last blog ..How Far Is Too Far? =-.
Jeffrey Platts
15. Apr, 2010
@Alex: I agree, it’s a balance between action and aligning your energy. I think the hybrid is when you take inspired action, that is, action that comes after you’re thoughts and energy are pointed in the direction you want to go. Thanks for the comments!
Jeffrey Platts
15. Apr, 2010
@MissAlpha: Witty is sexy.
Jason Savage
15. Apr, 2010
This is good. Being single is a choice. Just like sobriety. I’d call this a dating detox.
Great blog.
Jeffrey Platts
15. Apr, 2010
@Jason: That’s a great term for it, dating detox. It implies that there are things that you might need to purge out, like negative thoughts, approval-seeking behaviors, etc. After that than you’ll be in a place of wholeness/health so you begin anew.
KB IN NYC
16. Apr, 2010
Love this Jeffrey! Especially as I am about to write a new post about my latest foray into online dating which lasted 3 days and was truly tortorous. Not because the guys are bad, but because “My heart really wasn’t (isn’t) into this constant search”.
On the one hand I totally agree with Alex: you have to go out and make things happen for yourself. But sometimes – especially with dating – it can start getting counter productive. Fine line indeed, and I continue to try and walk it.
Inspired and inspiring as always.
XKB
I’ve been on a mi,
MissMelisaMae
19. Apr, 2010
This post happens to have amazing timing as I was just mentioning to some friends how a dating sabbatical was in order.
I can fully appreciate the mention of how it can get exhausting when you feel you must always be on “just in case”.
Great post!
-MMM
.-= MissMelisaMae´s last blog ..Tragic Dating Profiles/Emails =-.
@heylovedc
20. Apr, 2010
Great post Jeffrey! I’m always a fan of just spending some time focusing on yourself and not making yourself crazy over dating. With anything that gets frustrating, sometimes you just have to step away and take a breather. Plus it falls back on that “it happens when you’re not looking” theory.
.-= @heylovedc´s last blog ..CHOPPED =-.
Jeffrey Platts
21. Apr, 2010
@KB: Thanks! Yes, action just for the sake of taking action isn’t worth it if the energy is not aligned.
@Melisa: It seems like a lot of people are interested in a dating sabbatical.
Thanks for your comments.
@heylovedc: Yeah, the “not looking theory” is mostly because when you’re not looking, your resistance is likely down, so the partners who were probably already always there, can now come into your life.
SoloAt30
17. Sep, 2010
I’m 33, my friends are married with kids of their own. Until very recently, I felt that pressure to keep dating. Somewhere out there was that right man waiting for me and if I just sat here, how would we find each other?
Illness puts everything in perspective. You realize to the extreme that you have to focus on yourself first and foremost, that you have to be your biggest priority. Your mental and physical health, your career, your family and friends all play a role in keeping you balanced and happy. I finally believe in practice, not just in theory, it’s when your life is in balance that you can really find the love your truly looking for.