Taking off my social media mask
Posted on 24. Jun, 2010 by Jeffrey Platts in Archives, Self Empowerment
Take a look at your Twitter or Facebook streams and you might think all of your friends are elephant riding in Thailand or getting back from kick-ass workouts with their personal trainers. Blogs and social media sites can sometimes give the impression of all your friends are living perfect and eternally happy lives, always doing cool things. Or perhaps it’s easy to project that the people whose blogs you follow are experts or gurus with all the answers or that they have it all together. And as someone who lives with a comparison monkey in his mind, this can be especially challenging for me.
On one level, this makes sense. If we have total control over the message we’re sending (which we do on Facebook and Twitter), why wouldn’t we want it to be positive? Who wants to share messages that are negative or don’t portray us in the best possible light? And if you believe in the attractive power of energy, isn’t it better to talk and give attention to what you want to experience more of?
That said, there are times when I can feel inauthentic, as if I’m not showing a fuller picture of myself. Instead I wear a Pollyanna digital version of the mask we so often wear in face-to-face interactions as a way to manage what other people think of us. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m blogging now, so that I feel pressure to put on a perfect public face so my “brand” doesn’t take on a negative tone. Or maybe because I teach yoga so I have this idea that a yoga teacher must be an infallible source of wisdom and joy.
“I’d rather be whole than good.” Carl Jung
Yet I am a human being. A guy with dreams, desires, needs, fears, insecurities — just like every other person on this planet. Of course my family, close friends and the women I’ve dated, already know that. :) If connecting in person has its limitations on knowing someone, then technology can only provide at best a sliver of that connection. So with the intention of sharing a more authentic and whole picture of myself, here are a few things about myself that I am working to accept and embrace, while also wanting to move beyond:
- I pepper my conversations with “fuck” and “shit” a lot more than I’d like to. And I worry that that’s not “spiritual” or “yogic”.
- I struggle with the daily negative self-talk of my monkey mind.
- I get awkward and anxious around women I’m attracted to.
- I can get sucked into seeking validation from people I don’t even know. (WTF is up with that?)
- I can spiral into low moods that are tough to get out of.
- I sometimes feel like I’m not “masculine” enough.
- I get insecure when an experienced teacher takes my yoga class, as if they’re going to think I’m a crap teacher.
- I worry that I won’t attract an amazing woman that will like me as I am, flaws and all.
- I often spend too much time on Facebook and Twitter as a distraction from doing what I need to do.
- I have moments where I think to myself “I have no idea who I am or what the fuck I’m doing.”
- I still eat processed junk food when I’m having a bad day. And on good days, too.
But you know what? Big. Fucking. Deal. I’m definitely not the only person on planet Earth who does any (or all) of those things. But I’m aware of my patterns and, like most people, I seek to evolve and expand for the better. And that’s great, since you can’t change something if you’re not first aware of it. And for me to add shame, embarrassment, guilt, judgment on top of observing it serves no useful purpose. I don’t know about you, but I relate more to humans, not mannequins or robots.
“Our society nurtures the illusion that all the rewards go to the people who are perfect. But many of us are finding out that trying to be perfect is costly.” – Debbie Ford
As I look back on my previous posts, I realize the truth that many teachers have shared: we teach what we also need to learn. I don’t have it all figured out. It’s by living my life, observing my fumbles and learning from them, that I find the juice for what I write. I’m no expert. I’m no guru. Nor do I want to be. I want to be a guy who is living his life, thinks he has some interesting perspectives to share from his own experiences and hopefully they resonate with some people and helps them in some way.
My intention is NOT to get you to start whining with your Facebook posts every time you have an insecure thought or get hassled by your mom on when you’re gonna find a nice girl and get married. That’s missing the point. I’m mostly wanting to remind you to keep the perspective that we are all human. We all have parts of us that we love and other parts that we don’t enjoy so much. But they are all a part of you. I’m not suggesting to take out a billboard for your “shadow” parts, but you don’t have to lock them in the basement either.
So I invite you to look at the traits and habits that you (or others) may view as “shortcomings,” “flaws,” or “failures” and practice owning them and embracing them. Don’t overidentify with them, just notice them and don’t push against them. Feeling that you need to portray yourself as always happy, successful, all put-together is pretty damn exhausting for anyone to maintain.
And also notice when you get into comparison mode with other people. Everyone has their virtues and their vices. No one is flawless. Again, this is not about being a Debbie Downer and sharing every negative trait or thought. It’s about owning ALL of you, honoring your light and your dark. Expressing yourself from place of love, awareness and compassion. Whether that happens online or offline, it’s something that deserves some focus.
Everyone has their bad days and their negative moments, even if they don’t put it in their status update. Don’t let an overly positive Facebook stream fool you. 
What do you think? What is the best way to express a whole and real picture of yourself online? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
P.S. A great resource on how to embrace and honor your full self, check out Debbie Ford’s work:
19 Responses to “Taking off my social media mask”
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July 06, 2010
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Alex
24. Jun, 2010
Jeff,
Many, many thanks for this post. I look at a lot of the messages that I see on twitter and FB and I think “wow, those people have it right.” Though, deep down, I know better, I know that we’re all trying to figure a lot of things out in life and with ourselves, especially.
I felt, for me, the best way to show my appreciation for this post is to share some of my insecurities and flaws:
- I have a girlfriend, who I love and who loves me. Yet, there are times when I wonder why she isn’t with someone better than me.
- I wonder if for all my efforts to move forward I’ll never accomplish anything else but to stay right where I am.
- Sometimes I think I’m a hypocrite for saying positive things when I feel the complete opposite.
- Sometimes I really wish I could live in a hut and not interact with anyone… and I don’t think anyone would care.
- I’d like a fucking tan.
Again, Jeff, thanks!
Zoë
24. Jun, 2010
Jeffrey, this is honest and authentic. It’s inspiring me to write my own “brutally honest post.” As I’ve said before, your blog posts are like little bits of decadent chocolate.
That said, there are weeks when I DO travel the world / surf the Pacific Ocean / date 10 people (well, maybe 5) / win academic awards. But they’re few and far between.
Zoë
24. Jun, 2010
I’d like a fucking tan too.
Shauna
24. Jun, 2010
EXCELLENT POST!
My insecurities and flaws:
Losing control
Being alone
FAILURE
So proud of you for this
@dustmapper
24. Jun, 2010
Social media can be a mask obscuring facets of ourselves, and you mention some great points above about how we can restrict ourselves to presenting a partial picture. This can hide the truth that we’re all human beings, and flawed as hell.
Nonetheless, I wanted to also mention a complementary perspective. I myself spent some time trying hard to be more open. I felt new energies through this…but also during that time raw, cheated, exposed, even traumatized – especially since I have a history of trauma. I wasn’t feeling right after a period of time. Some of @duffmcduffee’s work actually helped me see this.
I since stepped back and established a principle of expressing only what I feel good about expressing. And naturally, gradually, I began to express some deeper, darker parts of myself…but this time around with proper context and inner cultivation. It feels a lot better that I feel it’s a choice to express facets of myself, not an obligation…and whatever we choose to express or not is just fine.
Thanks for sharing your presence on Twitter and your insights on our complete self. I definitely agree whole > good.
Jeffrey Platts
24. Jun, 2010
@Alex: Thanks for your comments, bro. And props for sharing your own shadow sides. Kudos.
@Zoe: Gracias. I guess I could be considered a piece of decadent white chocolate?
@Shauna: Thanks for sharing your own list.
@Dustmapper: Yeah, this is all under the presumption that technology like Facebook, blogs, Twitter are inherently limited b/c of they exist only through text and images. Our “true” selves are usually more expressed in person. But even then it’s never 100%. I agree that it’s not about just voluntarily spreading negative information about ourselves, but doing it from a self-aware, composed place. Thanks for chiming in!
Dan
24. Jun, 2010
Another great post from JP.
Isn’t it possible though to stay authentic, know yourself, and “own your light and dark,” but at the same time be selective about what you want to share with the world? I mean, can’t you stay true to yourself but also be private with some material?
And even if someone wanted to show the “whole me” to the world, is that even possible on facebook? For us complicated people, that might not even be possible in person. So in a sense, no matter what we do, the image we portray online will be superficial. If you accept this as true, it seems to me that the only way to reconcile the issue is, as a viewer of other people’s profiles, to accept that it’s not the whole person, and it is inherently superficial. But I think people already do that. It is, after all, virtual reality.
Anyhow, as always, interesting and valuable ideas.
Jeffrey Platts
24. Jun, 2010
@Dan: Thanks, bro.
I agree that it’s the medium. My post was meant more as a reminder for those of us whose thoughts of comparison and projection might get a little out of hand. And yes, the Internet itself is inherently just a sliver of a representation of who we are. Showing the “whole me” to anyone is difficult enough even in person.
My intention was to spark more a conversation about keeping a balanced perspective. Not so much that we need start documenting all of our ups and downs, but more as a reminder to keep our perspective about things.
Thanks for contributing to the conversation!
cityofsexyNYC
24. Jun, 2010
Hello Jeff, I don’t know where to start, so I’ll start by saying, I love your honesty, that’s an attractive quality….
I wish we could be totally honest about ourselves on FB and twitter, but from my experience I’ve learned we have to be careful, so I guess we have to choose to whom we will be honest and then how much, on fb and twitter…
But as you said we all have our virtues and vices…
I share some of the same as you…
Also I am a control freak, in life, love and relationships…
I can be insecure in relationships until I know that I know…
I am sometimes insecure about my body, and I think the flaws I see others see as well…
And that’s just to name a few…
Thank you Jeff, for encouraging me to be honest and take off my social media mask! muah!
Lena.FM
25. Jun, 2010
But of course! Everybody directs a little film about themselves through blogs, Twitter, Facebook etc.
But for all practical purposes, as I am sure you know, we all have the inner advisor that says “if you post this (even if is true), it will suck your energy down”. Or sometimes, “If you post this – because it is true – it will elevate you”.
I have personally gotten myself into a huge junky blues by writing honestly (and very artistically, because that’s what I do) about my doubts and confusions. To the degree that I had to delete the whole LJ to get myself out of the blues (and it worked!). But sometimes, you write about something dark and it clears you out. It’s all up to personal discretion.
Lena.FM´s last blog ..Eight Types Of Sex Bloggers That Suck
nandoism
25. Jun, 2010
Buddy!
Great post…it’s a thought-provoking little fucker. And here’s my take on things. Why send out negative vibes out into the Universe? I don’t think someone wants to go to a blog and read everyone’s “Prozac” moments…day after day after day. I like to use my space…as in my blog….to spread some cheer and high hopes. Twiiter and facebook is the same way.
Those platforms, in my opinion, were not created to dish out the blues–that’s what your friends are for. You call them, you meet up with them, you keep things private. Not everyone needs to know that the rash on your left testicle is getting bigger.
As far as everyone putting on a smiley face on these mediums–well, why not? I think it’s up to us to tell the difference. I don’t see Obama coming to address the nation and letting us know how depressed he is…and I don’t really want to know. I don’t tune into the CakeBoss to see him tell stories of how he thinks he’s too fat and that his hot wife might leave him—that’s not the time nor place.
So although, I love this post and the authentic place that you want to come from–but I think we need to be okay with social platforms being for fun, good, and Smurfy feelings and the therapist office and hookers being for therapy.
Child, I know people don’t want to really read what it’s like to be Gay, Mexican and adopted!
Love ya man–you’re a true star, gem, and oyster–all in one.
Nando
nandoism´s last blog ..Shopping with a Gay Pakistani
Jeffrey Platts
25. Jun, 2010
@Nando: Thanks for your comments.
I am with you on not needing to send out negative vibes to the universe. And I don’t advocate that.
I am not about to turn my blog into some Debbie Downer Diary. I wouldn’t want to read that myself, either. I’m still committed to sharing perspectives that help people live more fuller, richer, happier lives.
This post was more as a gentle reminder that we are all deeper than what we portray online. And perhaps it was written mostly for me, since I tend to easily project that everyone else is living happy, exciting, successful lives with no challenges or low moments. And as far as connection with our blog readers, I’m sure you’ll agree that they can relate much better when they can feel that the blogger is a human being, not some perfect wise dude with all the answers.
And don’t worry, I am not about to share deep dark secrets or random negative thoughts. Nor do I encourgage people to do that online. I DO encourage people to tame the comparison monkey and always remember that everyone is a human being.
Thanks again for sharing!
Melanie Spring
25. Jun, 2010
Kudos to you for sharing. We’re all insecure human beings who judge ourselves based on the people we’re around. Hiding behind a mask on social media gets us nowhere. I’ve built my company based on the fact that I am myself in every situation. I have no problem sharing my feelings, my beliefs and my life. I’m a flawed human on the way to finding out who I really am and enjoying the insanity in the process.
jackie
25. Jun, 2010
Truer words Jeff. Well said. Too often people forget the parts of ourselves we choose to reveal are our merely parts of a whole. At the end of the day I think I’d rather be disliked for who I am than liked for who I’m not.
JFB
Jeffrey Platts
25. Jun, 2010
@Jack: Thanks, bro. I agree. Let them love/hate you for you ARE.
@Melanie: I love authentic business. I can’t relate to the super fake cheese business person mask.
@Lena: Yeah, it’s up each person. I don’t advocate mindless posting.
Lindsey Lewis
29. Jun, 2010
THANK YOU for this Jeffrey. Competely identify with this post. Kudos for getting down and out to the virtual universe. One of my words for 2010 is ‘truth’–and I’m working on this daily–sharing alllll of me, not just the side I think people will respond best to.
Jeffrey Platts
04. Jul, 2010
@cityofsexyNYC: Thanks for your comments. Yeah, it’s good to get to know the real essence of a person. And thanks for sharing some of your own personal sides.
@Lindsey: That sounds like a great word for 2010. Good luck with your practice!
Megan
13. Jul, 2010
Jeffrey,
You put many of my thoughts about facebook updates and twitter into words. Thanks for sharing and helping me round of my all-a-twitter brain (even though I don’t twitter. haha).